Newspaper Article: “The Zipper”

This was an article I wrote about losing something…on the Zipper at the County Fair…

I’m not bad-mouthing the local county fair. I’m a huge fan. Our family has fun every year. I just have a complaint about his year’s visit…

This year the plan was to go to the fair, let the children ride the rides, hold hands with my wife, and walk around. No rides for me. In fact, I had just polished off two big steak burritos and a root beer so I was in no shape to twirl and spin and flip. So when my oldest son began to hint that he wanted me to accompany him on “The Zipper” (you know the one; a bunch of cages that flip and spin while the entire ride is flipping and spinning), I explained that I didn’t have any tickets to ride rides and we continued to stroll around the fair grounds.

My son knows how to work the system. He started to whimper about not really feeling comfortable on the Zipper unless I went. He thought it would be a nice “last thing to do” at the end of the night. I started thinking about the fact that going on this ride would make an important father/son memory…I rubbed my burrito-filled stomach, pushed my iPhone safely down into my pocket, and bought the tickets.

That was the last time I saw my iPhone work smoothly.

We had been on the ride for no more than two minutes when my burritos began trying to make their way back up. My son yelled, “I think we made a big mistake!” My iPhone, with all of my contacts, to-do lists, emails, and texts began to slowly inch its way out of my front pocket. Suddenly the cage we were in began to spin violently. It was all I could do to keep the burritos in their rightful place when I noticed something flying around inside the cage. The dark, small object bounced around the plastic and metal enclosure a number of times before I got a good look at it. It was suspended in the air a few inches in front of me when I realized it was my iPhone.

The more I tried to catch it, the more I bounced around the cage. The more I bounced the more   nauseated I became. Actually, the more I saw my iPhone bounce around my cage, the more nauseated I became. Finally I pinned the phone to the floor of the cage with my foot and held on to my son with one hand and the safety bars with the other. It seemed to take about three hours, but the ride slowly stopped and we were let off.

I retrieved my iPhone and stumbled, sick, across the fair grounds. That was the last time I saw life flicker from its glossy screen. I bought a new phone a week later.

To lift a line or two from a commercial: Tickets for the fair: $85. Two steak burritos: free (my wife made them). One new iPhone: $199 (plus a monthly data plan). Screaming and getting nauseated with my son on a ride I vow to never go on again: priceless.

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One thought on “Newspaper Article: “The Zipper”

  1. jonballphoto

    Flippin’ hilarious. The story carried my mind the whole way through the ride. Honestly though, I wish you’d have let the burritos go (for literary flair purposes only). Keep up the great work!

    Reply

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