This Post is Dripping with Sarcasm….

…and I hope it is obvious…

I read “How to Win Friends and Influence People” a few years ago. Total bull. What people really want is to be put in a position where it is easy to feel offended, angry, hurt, or ignored. I mean, heck, its 2010 for crying out loud…

1. Talk loudly on your cell phone while in line at the grocery store. People love this. Especially the check-out person. They love when you don’t respond with any words when they tell you how much you owe.

2. Sit at a stop-light, in the right-hand lane, waiting to turn right, while there is no traffic to stop you. Make sure you don’t notice that you can go because you’re on your phone. Seriously, the people sitting behind you are probably talking about how fun you are. That’s what all the waving from their car is.

3. Be late for stuff. Repeatedly. Especially if they’re counting on you to drive.

4. There’s always a better story than the one someone just told you. Be awesome enough to one-up that story. If you think hard enough, you’ve surely done something bigger, better, or more exciting. Share it. Everytime.

5. Lose you temper with others and then apologize, but not in a way that really proves that this is the last time you’re going to lose it with that person. Expect everything to be “fine” after that. This gift draws people to you. For some reason, other people like walking on eggshells all of the time. It builds character.

6. People love, love, to hear you swear. Really. It really is funny. And, best of all, you come across as much, much smarter when you pepper your sentences with obscenities. People may look uncomfortable and annoyed but really, they’re admiring you and hoping you will continue talking. And while you’re at it, everyone appreciates a good old fashion inappropriate joke. It puts people at ease and helps them know what you think about all day. Like a breath of fresh air.

7. It is refreshing when you are dishonest. I guess what people love most about your dishonesty is that you’re always keeping them on their toes. Someone needs to do it. Why not you?

8. You should spend more time grabbing your cell phone and checking for texts. Especially while in the middle of a conversation. Even though it goes against conventional wisdom, the person you are talking to will be more excited to have another conversation with you if you spend 50% of the current conversation staring down at your phone, thumbs just a-going, and saying fake “uh-huhs” while they share important things with you. Keep it up. People love it.

9. Burping in public, loudly, and then laughing, really is funnier than people say. Don’t misread their body language. Not smiling is the new “smiling”.

10. Lastly, be the person who is the expert. On everything. All the time. Very endearing. If you bump into someone who really is an expert, change the conversation to something that you have the upper hand in. Quickly.

Unfortunately, I’ve experienced every one of these “gifts” first-hand. From myself. So, to everyone who spends time with me, sorry….

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